Monthly Archives: August 2013

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Its not all doom and gloom

In the month of june I decided I was going to have a dry month (not drink a single drop of alcohol) and for someone who is quite social and likes going out that was really quite a difficult thing for me to do. So anyway I decided I was going to do a “Dry June” and raise some money for charity. As there arent many trich charities about I decided to raise the money of the Mental Health Charity Mind. They cover all types of mental illness so I thought they would be the best choice. 

Well im pleased to say that I successfully completed my dry June with out touching a single drop of alcohol and I managed to raise £250!! Which I’m really proud of 😀

Again thank you to everyone who supported me and donated! I really appreciate it!

❤

Oh and on the subject of more good news I now have a part time job too!
I managed to get the job by asking friends if they knew of any jobs going where they worked and I managed to find one! I know I wont always be able to find a job this way so I know I’m going to have to face the fear of going to a job interview ect at some point but for now I’m just concentrating on not messing up the job I have (as I tend to have a habit of doing that ¬.¬) but *fingers crossed* for me! ^___^

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A night to myself

This evening I have had quite a bit of time to myself which is sometimes a good thing as it gives me time to try and figure out why I do the things I do. 
Tonight I became aware that I eat when I’m bored. I’m currently trying to lose some weight. Not a lot but enough so I can feel happier in my body and I have been doing really well with eating healthily and started doing some exercise. But tonight I managed to eat almost 3/4 of a back of sweets with out even realising it. I wasn’t even hungry. And yesterday I picked up a packet of prawn crackers and started munching on them and my boyfriend had to tell me to stop eating them. I didnt really register what I was doing. And now I feel like iv let myself down. 
I have been looking up self sabotaging behaviours as I think Trich is a self sabotaging behaviour.. well at least I think its true in my case.
I remember people saying to me how good my hair looked and how pretty I was and it just made the trich so much worse. It was like something Inside me didn’t want me to be pretty, have nice hair or be happy. Its horrible! I think this is also the same with the weight thing. Its like something inside me doesn’t want me to be the weight I want to be. It wants me to be unhappy. It also could be why I have horrible anxiety which stops me from going to uni and results in me not getting good grades. I hate it! I know I could be someone awesome but this is just keeping me chained up and holding me back and I dont really know what to do about it.
I often call it “my demon” as that’s what it feels like. It doesn’t feel like me at all. Its like someone else is living inside you only to cause you pain.

I think I might make an appointment with the doctor and discuss it with them and see what they suggest. I’m guessing it will just be CBT as I doubt there is much else they can do for me. But maybe realising this it might help them understand it a little better.. but I wont know till I go and speak to them about it. 
When I go I will write a post to say how I got on and what was said. 

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Long lost feelings

Today I found a really old photo of me. My hair was just past my shoulders and I think I was about 13 years old. My first trich spell happened when I was 10 almost 11years old. I remember having to have a really short hair cut and when I went back to school the other kids would ask me why I had my hair cut like a boy… At the time I wasnt diagnosed with Trich. The doctors thought It was alopecia. I wasnt aware of my pulling at that time. I still remember what It felt like back then. It felt horrible. Kids can be so mean. I even remember going on holiday with the short hair and a girl came up to me in the swimming pool to ask me “Are you a boy or a girl”. I told her I was a girl and she swam away to tell her family. I sank into the pool so the water came up to my nose and just wanted the water to swallow me whole. I’m even getting  teary remembering all this stuff…
But anyway some how after all that I managed to not pull a single hair until I was 14 years old. I That has been the longest ever time iv not been able to pull a hair. It was just past my shoulders and I had a crimper and I used to crimp it as I loved the volume! 
I dont know why I was able to be pull free for so long. I don’t even know why I started pulling again. Its just kinda sad as the longest I can get my hair now is a few inches.

I’m starting to wonder if being able to hide it better now is the reason why I cant stay pull free for very long and its just because I’m weak minded when it comes to self discipline.
But the thought of not being able to hide it is far more terrifying. I think this is linked with my experiences as a child. The reason I will not go out with a shaved head is because I’m terrified of people saying horrible things.  Quiet pathetic really when you think about it. I’m 25 I shouldn’t care about what others think about me anymore.
I have even done shoots with my shaved/bald head and that doesn’t bother me at all. I will quite happily upload images online. Though that some how feels different to “everyday” life. When I Model I can become anyone I want to be. I can pretend I have that confidence I dont really have.
I just wish I didnt feel like I was hiding behind a mask sometimes. I dont know if anyone else feels like that. 
Maybe one day in the future I will face my fear of going out in public with out my wig. And you never know it might help to stay pull free a little longer when I decide to grow my hair back. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings, while I try to figure all this out. I hope its helped. Some of this has been rather hard to write but keeping it all bottled up isn’t probably going to help anyone. ❤